go somewhere. meet someone. talk to somebody. help someone. do something. run home. cook. clean. go out, run. come home again. take a shower. rest, sweet quiet. let the water run, soothing. pretend. make myself believe it's only water on my cheeks. hot water runs out. still don't move. water is cold but nothing compared to the ice inside. now what? don't know. get out. rub myself dry. look in the mirror. hate. somethings wrong. pull on an old t-shirt. get into bed. close my eyes. dark. switch off, brain. fail. curl up. hug the covers. put a pillow over my head. oh no, forgot my phone. get up. go find it. set the alarm clock. crawl back into bed. close my eyes. and a second later triiiiiiim. WAKE UP. and it starts all over again